Annihilated

Shallow. Shallow like the words and minds of there high school students. Only seeing the outside. Never taking to time to look into someone and REALLY see them. Cruel. Cruel like the way they instigate the harm and chaos occurring in the halls. Guilty. Guilty like the way they feel after their victim commits suicide on account of their antagonizing ways. Lonely. Lonely like their lives will be after second handily murdering her. Sorry. Sorry like they should be when they have taken it to far. Perished. Perished like the bones of that 16 year old girl who was harassed to the point of suicide. Annihilated.

Invisible

My life is pointless. Why do I live each day trying to put a smile on my face and trying to be brave? I dont know how people can be happy. are they really happy? Or are they faking it…just like me? I dont understand how putting others down could possibly ever make someone feel better about themselves. I would feel like shit if I ever made somebody cry. I would only feel worse about myself. I feel alone because of that all the time. The only thing that keeps me from being purely alone and from the silence is the voices in my head. Oh they talk to me plenty. Telling me awful terrifying things. “You’re worthless. Bitch.” One will say. “Idiot, just go die…kill yourself already.” Another will add on. “Everyone would be happier if they didnt have to see your ugly face.” I believe them sometimes…that’s when I cut. My blade slides easily over my wrists…legs…chest. The blood flows like a faucet sometimes… when they say things that are too awful. Other times it spills. And on a rare occasion it just drips. If I counted all the tissues I have used…tears i have shed and every cut I have inflicted…I would die before I finished. So I’ll say it again. My life is pointless, well maybe. If someone…anyone could read this… if someone would listen, if someone just once would try to make my day, make me smile, maybe things would be different. But they are. I am invisible in their eyes…people dont see me…I wonder sometimes though, if there is someone who does see me…but they only look when i look away. But it doesnt matter…and it probably doesnt happen. I am even invisible to myself sometimes. I dont know who I am to the point that i dont even recognize myself. But hey, thats good in my case…when I just want to disappear. It’s a harsh, cruel, and scary world. And I am just starting out. Still in high school. But I have already seen too much. Grown up too fast. By now my mind must be at least 60 years old. A pretty long life in just 16 years in my body. But if I could go back, and change even just one thing. Change the way I was treated my whole life. Change what happened with my grandfather. God, I would. Absolutely. People say…they say this has made me stronger, but they are wrong. I am weak, in mind and body. Hell even in soul. I will never be strong…never be…normal. I will always and forever be different. The girl with the ”issues”. Fine…  But when I am gone…girls like me will have obtained power. I will leave behind a legend, a legacy maybe. To be remembered. I’ll be just like Rachel Joy Scott in that way i guess. People will not ignore me. And though i will no longer be here, I will NOT be invisible. And everyone will know my name.

Inspiring

People ask me a lot…why i get so sad. What my story is. So ill tell you right now. Here is my story. I hope it inspires you to realize how wonderful life really is. Just like you inspire me to continue living.

I was born in Virginia and I was the first girl in my family. The baby girl. And my mom thought she could never love anyone or anything in the world more than she loved me. Thats a big standard to live up to. And being the baby girl. Daddy’s first little girl. I was and am very overprotected. I live under a lot of rules that I am “obligated” to follow. But I dont. Mommy said she would never love anything as much as me…but then Amanda, my little sister, came along. Then Bethany. Then Abby. Now, I’m not the baby girl. I dont get attention from my parents anymore unless I am getting in trouble and for some reason in my messed up brain being noticed by my parents is worth the punishment. I have always felt invisible. At school its the worst. People literally have no idea that I’m there. I am ignored. I’ll sit in class and the teacher will ask, “Is anyone absent today look for your friends.” and people will shout my name…when I’m sitting right in front of them. I am even invisible to my family. My grandfather got away with rape for THREE YEARS because no one noticed I was gone…yeah. I was raped by my grandfather. And told I wasnt good enough…pretty enough…smart enough…for anything. I would never be anyone. Just a face in background. Blending in with the surroundings. I have too. I have never been anyone. I really always have just been that one girl…whats her name? I dont ever expect to be anything more…but its nice to think so. I am judged so quickly by what I look like. People automatically dont like me just by looking at me. But I am told I am beautiful by others. It’s those people who judge me instantly and say I’m ugly…that keep me thinking that I am not good enough. I am a bipolar schizopheric with personality disorder. I am a lot to handle. But when people take the time to get to know me…they dont leave. When I make friends, which is a rare and special thing to me, they are friends for life. Not just for a few months or through high school. I love my friends…I always will. They are a select few of people. I cut, I have attempted suicide, I have been hospitalized for my issues, I get angry, I get sad, I cry. But I do NOT blame anyone but myself. I am responsible for me. I moved to Colorado when I was 9. I have been here for 7 years, almost 8. I love colorado. It’s beautiful. People tell me I am so strong for going through all this and still being alive. People say oh, you inspire me. But the fact that i have hurt myself and tried to erase who I am is proof that I am NOT as strong as some people believe. I am the one who is inspired by people who have gone through as much as me and can live happily. I envy them. I want more than anything to be happy. But I dont know how to love myself. People love me. But I dont see why. People say I’m beautiful but I dont believe them. People say I ”shine” and my personality is one of a kind. But I dont believe them. I am currently living in Highlands Ranch Colorado. I love it. And most of the time I wish I was dead. My parents only pay me any attention when I am in trouble. I do not believe I am or ever will be good enough. I am invisible to most everyone. Even myself sometimes. And I dont love myself. But I respect my body. And other people. And I am probably the nicest girl with the biggest heart that you will ever meet. So I wish you would read this. And notice me. And smile at me. And just say ”Hey.” It’ll make my day. And maybe it’ll make both of a new life long friend.

“That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it”

Betrayal

How come my  ”friends” have zero respect for me? I am always there for them whether I am sick or having a bad day myself. But when I ask one thing of them…one thing that really means a lot to me…they go behind my back and betray me. Like it means NOTHING!!

My best friend’s name is Trevor. Or was I guess. I have known him for 8 years. Since fourth grade we have been best friends and since eighth grade I have been in love with him. He knows that too. I told him just recently. And he just doesnt understand.

I made a knew friend just a couple weeks ago too. Which is a big deal because making friends is really hard for me to. Her name is Shannen. I told Shannen before I ever introduced her to Trevor how I felt about him and she SWORE she would NOT flirt. Or date him.

Three days later they are doing everything together. Movies, dinner, hanging out at his house, texting 24/7. And they talk shit about me behind my back…like I’m not even there. Talk about betrayal. I thought I could trust them…Trevor at least. And it came to this. Losing two friends…one of which I thought was my best friend. I told him everything. I was completely comfortable being myself with him…thats a really hard thing to find. And I dont know that I can ever find it again. So cheers to all of the people who have ever hurt me. I hope your happy now.

Impossible

Its amazing how quickly it happened. I never thought that after my last boyfriend I could be with anyone again. Then I started talking to him. Just one conversation and it was instant…Like love at first sight. Impossible, I know. But it’s so real. It’s like we have known each other forever. It’s so natural and easy. I already know that he wont judge me. I dont care if I havent brushed my hair when he comes over because he thinks I am beautiful anyway. This love…is surreal. It’ll take some time to know, however, if it is “real” love. But then again what is real love? Isn’t is being able to love someone as well as their flaws? Not judging each other? Being comfortable with each other all the time? Because thats what he and I have. I am so perfectly okay just being who I am with him. He is like my best friend…I feel like I am so lucky. And I know its impossible. But I really believe that I love him. I never thought it was true before, it was just a myth, but now…I believe in love at first sight…or first conversation. XD haha just for you baby 

XOXO. I love you

New 6th hour

I am so excited to go to sixth hour. I love that class so much more now. It was fine before and funny and all that. But there was so much tension and disrespect in that room it killed me. I was so upset about how angry everyone always was. I was always terrified to say anything that I thought and of the guys would disagree with because of my bipolar. I thought I was going to get a rude comment or someone yelling at me and the last thing i wanted was to cry in front of all those people. But after our discussions today…I feel really comfortable with all of them that were there. I even found some sunshine in Rob Penneck… Never though that would happen. But he is a pretty cool and logical kid. And Logan Clark is alright when he’s not yelling and throwing dictionaries… the best part…by far, is the newfound respect for our wonderful teacher Ms. Neth. She deserves it so much. She is a lenient and super cool chick. She deserves the best in life. And we can finally…maybe…help with that… Fingers crossed that everything goes well Friday. I am really looking forward to that class…I never would have said that two days ago.

My definition of perfect

Definition:  Being without defect or blemish; as good as it is possible to be.

How we perceive it: Only models and pretty popular are perfect. Most people see it that way. Even people that are popular and gorgeous and have so much in life, think…I’ll never be perfect.

Well here’s the deal guys…WHO GIVES A FUCK!? No one will ever be “perfect” in the high school definitions mindset its not possible. Take another look at that definition… “As good as it is possible to be.” So as long as you are giving it your all and being your best…you are perfect. Everyone is amazing and talented and gifted and beautiful in their own way and when they realize that and let it shine…they will be perfect. There are a lot of people that are perfect but dont realize it. Everyone puts themselves down to much. I used to be one of those people. I hated everything about me. I would never be pretty enough. Or smart enough. Or talented enough. Or funny enough. I was never “good” enough in my head. I didnt think I ever would be. Until i said “You know what..? I am who I am. And I am beautiful, I am talented, I am smart. If anyone has a problem with that screw them.” And I am so much happier now. I no longer hide me. I’m Courtney. People cant place me in a group. Because I dress how I feel. If I’m upset people would place me as “scene/emo.” When I’m feeling bubbly or happy people put me with the “preps/prisses/bitch” But in all reality I am Courtney Marie Dover. Yes, I have bipolar disorder. Yes I have schizophrenia. Yes I have attempted suicide. But…on the flip side. I have attended Denver School Of The Arts because I am  a gifted vocal musician. I have been in love. I have had my best friends. I have so many things going for me. I appreciate life for what it is. Yes, I have gone through a lot of shit to get here. But I can finally brush it off. I can finally feel “perfect” I am my own definition of it.

Courtney’s definition of perfect: Being happy with who you are and realizing that nothing else matters. If you love you, and are happy with you, other people will be too.

^ that…is perfect.

Manipulation

So how could you call me a liar?
When all I ever aspired to do was to be what you desired…just what you desired. I told you all my deepest secrets all my darkest fears. I held your hand and kissed you through the pain and through the tears. I only lived to love you. I hope that this has given you a fit of guilty sensation. To bad that all you ever were was an easy manipulation.

Answers to random questions that my teacher asked.

If red were a person he would love blood.
Anxiety would wear white running shoes.
Jealousy eats your fears for breakfast.
Fear lives in the the minds of those who are afraid.
If blue were a thief he would steal happiness to balance out all of his sadness.
If pink were a singer she would sing pop music.
If olive green were a singer he would have a low country voice.
Truth tastes bitter with a sweet after taste.

My Sestina

It’s hard to imagine.
The feelings I am having of pain.
And love.
The contradiction.
I wonder about it’s purpose.
Or if it even has one.

Does any one,
Know how to imagine?
Is it plausible, does it have a purpose?
Imagining, it only causes pain.
But it’s a conflicting contradiction
That also brings love.

Pain and love.
I have just one
Question about this contradiction.
Is it okay to imagine
Suffering being part of both love and pain.
Or does that not have a purpose?

Because if it has a purpose
To suffer because of love
And to suffer because of pain.
Are there people or even just one
Who can imagine
What it must feel like; this contradiction.

Because this contradiction
Might have a purpose
To show that you can imagine
Suffering through love.
And see a person; just one
Who suffers through both love and pain

So when you feel that pain.
The pain of the splitting contradiction.
And you see that person; just one.
Who fulfilled their purpose
Of suffering through the pain and through the love
Of what they used to imagine.

Let your pain be your purpose.
Trust he contradiction with love.
And be that one person who continues to imagine.

Remember

I remember the day we first met and
I remember the first time he held my hand and
I remember the words he uses when he asked me to be his and
I remember our first kiss more than anything because it was perfect and
I remember when he first told me he loved me and
I remember when he met my parents and
I remember when he gave me his sweater and
I remember his telephone number and
I remember all three of his middle names and
I remember every detail of his perfect face and
I remember all the times he has held me and
I remember....because I could never forget.

My conversation with Daniel when all thats on my mind is depression

Daniel: I love you baby.
Me: Yeah. Luv u 2.
Daniel: What's wrong?
Courtney: I HATE MY FAMILY! Especially my mom. She is so mean to me. Everything is my fault And never anyone else's. It's stupid! I'm already going through enough with the move. I dont need this right now.
Daniel: I'm sorry you're going through this Courtney. I've noticed that your Mom isn't very nice to youat all and it hurts to see you sad or hurt or angry. I know we can't change things right now but if you hang in there I know that we can get through this time together. I'm so sorry you have to deal with her and all her shit. But keep in mind that you have people who love and support you. Like me. Right now a lot is happening and changing. For all we know the third World War could start tomorrow. But no matter what happenes or how rough things get, whether you are sad or happy, angry or joyous, I will be there by your side through it all. This is swear to you and i will swear it again tomorrow. Becuase Courtney, I want to marry you. And be with you forever. Just try and oush onwards and with a little help we can make it through this. I love you Darling.
Courtney: You are so sweet. I love you too Daniel. This is just really hard. We are moving and she is being a bitch. She just yelled at Abby for getting up and getting a pencil to do her homework. It scares me. Am I gonna be like that? She is such a terrible bitch.
Daniel: I'm so sorry baby. You will never be as terrible as her. Ever. You're not that kind of person.
Courtney: God i hate her.
Daniel: Im sorry.
Courtney: Eh.
About 20 minutes later.
Courtney: I hate MY life. And myself.
Daniel: Please dont.
Courtney: But i do.
Daniel: How can i help?
Courtney: I honestly do not know.
Daniel: I'm sorry.
Courtney: It doesnt even matter just....UGH! I hate this!
Daniel: Please dont. Please hang in there. Please.
Courtney: I dont know if i can. Even though I am still here physically my soul is growing more and more distant from my body everyday.
Daniel: You're making me cry.
Courtney: Join the club. But baby please dont cry.
Daniel: You cant stop an emo kid from crying.
Courtney: haha. It's so true.
Daniel: Baby i am begging you to hold on. Please. For me.
Courtney: I dont know if I can....
Daniel: Baby....Please i love you.

No response.

Burned

I heard the screaming
Then the tears
Giving in
To your darkest fears.
I drag you down
Way down below.
I sit and wait
For the start of the show.
My eyes are dark
The dancing fire.
Your burning flesh
Gets me inspired.
I smile when you shriek.
You're pain makes me laugh.
I count your cries.
Its easy math.
You're body is gone now.
No more fun.
You're ashes lay there.
But there's more than one.
I've been watching him
To discover his fears.
I hear the screaming.
Then the tears.

Created

It falls.
The blood a blazing red.
It crashes.
The slit just below your head.
The silver point.
Now stained with blood.
Falls from your hand,
To a pile of mud.
The rain keeps puring,
Its colored blue.
The acid burns,
When it touches you.
It falls.
The blood a blazing red.
It crashes.
The slit just below your head.
Your blood is on your hands.
Not mine.
You are not real.
You were created in my mind.

Am I Crazy?

Am I crazy because I have died before?
Or am I crazy because it was my own fault?
Am I crazy for thinking of suicide every day?
Or am I crazy for acting on it?
Am I crazy because I am depressed but happy?
Or am I crazy because my life is wonderful and i hate it?
Am I crazy because I am angry at everything and everyone?
Or am I crazy because I am still nice to everyone?
Am I crazy because I have died before?
Or am I crazy because it was my own fault?
Am I crazy at all?
Or does everyone feel like this?

Dear 6 year old me

Dear 6 year old me,
It is not your fault.
You did everything you could.
Dear 6 year old me,
I am you NOW and I am okay.
I am sick,
But I am happy.
Dear 6 year old me,
He is gone.
He cannot hurt you anymore.
He is locked away.
Forever.
Dear 6 year old me,
It gets better.
There are rough patches.
But baby it gets better.
Dear 6 year old me,
You are beautiful.
Inside and out.
Dear 6 year old,
You are talented.
You will amount to great things.
Dear 6 years old me,
You will learn to love yourself.
And forget about all of the nasty things he said to you.
You will overcome every obstacle.
Dear 6 year old me,
Take risks and chances.
Make mistakes.
And learn from them.
Dear 6 year old me,
Do what you can.
Be your best.
Because your best is wonderful.
Dear 6 year old me,
It is not your fault.
It gets better.

Beauty

I have never understood. I never will understand. I dont understand even right now. What does it mean to be beautiful? Does it mean you have a pretty face? Or shiny hair? Does it mean you are slim? Tall? Muscular? Does it mean you have perfect, white, and straight teeth? Or the right make-up? Or does it mean something deeper? Does it mean that you care for others and not just yourself? Does it mean you are big-hearted? Does it mean that you help people in need? Or that you are sweet and respectful to even those who are horrid to you. Or does it just mean nothing? Is it just something the human race invented in attempt to be better than everybody else? I dont understand even right now. I never have understood. And i never will understand.

Almost

I almost said it.
I almost told you i loved you.
I almost let it come out.
I almost kissed you.
I almost said yes when you proposed.
I almost married you.
I almost made the biggest mistake of my life.
But i did one thing all the way.
I did save my life...
And yours.
That i didnt almost do.
That i achieved.
That...
That i did fully.
If i had fully said yes.
We would both be dead.
If i had fully married you.
I would have died.
And it would have killed you.
If i had fully said i loved you...
Even though i didnt...
I still have died.
I still failed to get better.
I still had lung cancer.
I still felt love.
Love for you.
Though i never said it out loud,
I do.
I loved you with all that i was.
I am sorry that i could only do almost.
But it was better for us both.
I almost said it.
I am not almost sorry.
I am sorry.

Do you?

Do you see them?
Do you see my scars?
Do you see my cuts?
Do you see the blood?
Do you see the pain?
Do you see the terror?
Do you see the hate?
Do you see the self cursing?
Do you see the depression?
Do you see the anger?
Do you see the sadness?
Do you see the exhaustion?
Do you see them?
Do you see my scars?

Sometimes

I know that it is you when I hear your special knock.
I know that it is you when three pm strikes the clock.
I know that it is you when your voice fills the air.
I know that it is you when when I can feel you everywhere.
I know that it is you when you you kiss me awake.
I know that it is you when you fix my heart after it breaks.
I know that it is you every time your laugh rings out.
I know that it is you there is never any doubt.
But sometimes...just sometimes.
I am unaware.
Sometimes...just sometimes.
I dont feel you everywhere.
Sometimes...just sometimes.
I dont know if it is you.
Sometimes...just sometimes.
I cant tell if you are true.
Please dont leave.