Inspiring

People ask me a lot…why i get so sad. What my story is. So ill tell you right now. Here is my story. I hope it inspires you to realize how wonderful life really is. Just like you inspire me to continue living.

I was born in Virginia and I was the first girl in my family. The baby girl. And my mom thought she could never love anyone or anything in the world more than she loved me. Thats a big standard to live up to. And being the baby girl. Daddy’s first little girl. I was and am very overprotected. I live under a lot of rules that I am “obligated” to follow. But I dont. Mommy said she would never love anything as much as me…but then Amanda, my little sister, came along. Then Bethany. Then Abby. Now, I’m not the baby girl. I dont get attention from my parents anymore unless I am getting in trouble and for some reason in my messed up brain being noticed by my parents is worth the punishment. I have always felt invisible. At school its the worst. People literally have no idea that I’m there. I am ignored. I’ll sit in class and the teacher will ask, “Is anyone absent today look for your friends.” and people will shout my name…when I’m sitting right in front of them. I am even invisible to my family. My grandfather got away with rape for THREE YEARS because no one noticed I was gone…yeah. I was raped by my grandfather. And told I wasnt good enough…pretty enough…smart enough…for anything. I would never be anyone. Just a face in background. Blending in with the surroundings. I have too. I have never been anyone. I really always have just been that one girl…whats her name? I dont ever expect to be anything more…but its nice to think so. I am judged so quickly by what I look like. People automatically dont like me just by looking at me. But I am told I am beautiful by others. It’s those people who judge me instantly and say I’m ugly…that keep me thinking that I am not good enough. I am a bipolar schizopheric with personality disorder. I am a lot to handle. But when people take the time to get to know me…they dont leave. When I make friends, which is a rare and special thing to me, they are friends for life. Not just for a few months or through high school. I love my friends…I always will. They are a select few of people. I cut, I have attempted suicide, I have been hospitalized for my issues, I get angry, I get sad, I cry. But I do NOT blame anyone but myself. I am responsible for me. I moved to Colorado when I was 9. I have been here for 7 years, almost 8. I love colorado. It’s beautiful. People tell me I am so strong for going through all this and still being alive. People say oh, you inspire me. But the fact that i have hurt myself and tried to erase who I am is proof that I am NOT as strong as some people believe. I am the one who is inspired by people who have gone through as much as me and can live happily. I envy them. I want more than anything to be happy. But I dont know how to love myself. People love me. But I dont see why. People say I’m beautiful but I dont believe them. People say I ”shine” and my personality is one of a kind. But I dont believe them. I am currently living in Highlands Ranch Colorado. I love it. And most of the time I wish I was dead. My parents only pay me any attention when I am in trouble. I do not believe I am or ever will be good enough. I am invisible to most everyone. Even myself sometimes. And I dont love myself. But I respect my body. And other people. And I am probably the nicest girl with the biggest heart that you will ever meet. So I wish you would read this. And notice me. And smile at me. And just say ”Hey.” It’ll make my day. And maybe it’ll make both of a new life long friend.

“That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it”