Invisible

My life is pointless. Why do I live each day trying to put a smile on my face and trying to be brave? I dont know how people can be happy. are they really happy? Or are they faking it…just like me? I dont understand how putting others down could possibly ever make someone feel better about themselves. I would feel like shit if I ever made somebody cry. I would only feel worse about myself. I feel alone because of that all the time. The only thing that keeps me from being purely alone and from the silence is the voices in my head. Oh they talk to me plenty. Telling me awful terrifying things. “You’re worthless. Bitch.” One will say. “Idiot, just go die…kill yourself already.” Another will add on. “Everyone would be happier if they didnt have to see your ugly face.” I believe them sometimes…that’s when I cut. My blade slides easily over my wrists…legs…chest. The blood flows like a faucet sometimes… when they say things that are too awful. Other times it spills. And on a rare occasion it just drips. If I counted all the tissues I have used…tears i have shed and every cut I have inflicted…I would die before I finished. So I’ll say it again. My life is pointless, well maybe. If someone…anyone could read this… if someone would listen, if someone just once would try to make my day, make me smile, maybe things would be different. But they are. I am invisible in their eyes…people dont see me…I wonder sometimes though, if there is someone who does see me…but they only look when i look away. But it doesnt matter…and it probably doesnt happen. I am even invisible to myself sometimes. I dont know who I am to the point that i dont even recognize myself. But hey, thats good in my case…when I just want to disappear. It’s a harsh, cruel, and scary world. And I am just starting out. Still in high school. But I have already seen too much. Grown up too fast. By now my mind must be at least 60 years old. A pretty long life in just 16 years in my body. But if I could go back, and change even just one thing. Change the way I was treated my whole life. Change what happened with my grandfather. God, I would. Absolutely. People say…they say this has made me stronger, but they are wrong. I am weak, in mind and body. Hell even in soul. I will never be strong…never be…normal. I will always and forever be different. The girl with the ”issues”. Fine…  But when I am gone…girls like me will have obtained power. I will leave behind a legend, a legacy maybe. To be remembered. I’ll be just like Rachel Joy Scott in that way i guess. People will not ignore me. And though i will no longer be here, I will NOT be invisible. And everyone will know my name.