Am I Crazy?

Am I crazy because I have died before?
Or am I crazy because it was my own fault?
Am I crazy for thinking of suicide every day?
Or am I crazy for acting on it?
Am I crazy because I am depressed but happy?
Or am I crazy because my life is wonderful and i hate it?
Am I crazy because I am angry at everything and everyone?
Or am I crazy because I am still nice to everyone?
Am I crazy because I have died before?
Or am I crazy because it was my own fault?
Am I crazy at all?
Or does everyone feel like this?

Dear 6 year old me

Dear 6 year old me,
It is not your fault.
You did everything you could.
Dear 6 year old me,
I am you NOW and I am okay.
I am sick,
But I am happy.
Dear 6 year old me,
He is gone.
He cannot hurt you anymore.
He is locked away.
Forever.
Dear 6 year old me,
It gets better.
There are rough patches.
But baby it gets better.
Dear 6 year old me,
You are beautiful.
Inside and out.
Dear 6 year old,
You are talented.
You will amount to great things.
Dear 6 years old me,
You will learn to love yourself.
And forget about all of the nasty things he said to you.
You will overcome every obstacle.
Dear 6 year old me,
Take risks and chances.
Make mistakes.
And learn from them.
Dear 6 year old me,
Do what you can.
Be your best.
Because your best is wonderful.
Dear 6 year old me,
It is not your fault.
It gets better.

Beauty

I have never understood. I never will understand. I dont understand even right now. What does it mean to be beautiful? Does it mean you have a pretty face? Or shiny hair? Does it mean you are slim? Tall? Muscular? Does it mean you have perfect, white, and straight teeth? Or the right make-up? Or does it mean something deeper? Does it mean that you care for others and not just yourself? Does it mean you are big-hearted? Does it mean that you help people in need? Or that you are sweet and respectful to even those who are horrid to you. Or does it just mean nothing? Is it just something the human race invented in attempt to be better than everybody else? I dont understand even right now. I never have understood. And i never will understand.

Almost

I almost said it.
I almost told you i loved you.
I almost let it come out.
I almost kissed you.
I almost said yes when you proposed.
I almost married you.
I almost made the biggest mistake of my life.
But i did one thing all the way.
I did save my life...
And yours.
That i didnt almost do.
That i achieved.
That...
That i did fully.
If i had fully said yes.
We would both be dead.
If i had fully married you.
I would have died.
And it would have killed you.
If i had fully said i loved you...
Even though i didnt...
I still have died.
I still failed to get better.
I still had lung cancer.
I still felt love.
Love for you.
Though i never said it out loud,
I do.
I loved you with all that i was.
I am sorry that i could only do almost.
But it was better for us both.
I almost said it.
I am not almost sorry.
I am sorry.

Do you?

Do you see them?
Do you see my scars?
Do you see my cuts?
Do you see the blood?
Do you see the pain?
Do you see the terror?
Do you see the hate?
Do you see the self cursing?
Do you see the depression?
Do you see the anger?
Do you see the sadness?
Do you see the exhaustion?
Do you see them?
Do you see my scars?

Sometimes

I know that it is you when I hear your special knock.
I know that it is you when three pm strikes the clock.
I know that it is you when your voice fills the air.
I know that it is you when when I can feel you everywhere.
I know that it is you when you you kiss me awake.
I know that it is you when you fix my heart after it breaks.
I know that it is you every time your laugh rings out.
I know that it is you there is never any doubt.
But sometimes...just sometimes.
I am unaware.
Sometimes...just sometimes.
I dont feel you everywhere.
Sometimes...just sometimes.
I dont know if it is you.
Sometimes...just sometimes.
I cant tell if you are true.
Please dont leave.

I have to pee

Have you ever had that feeling where your stomach is going to explode if you dont go to the bathroom? Isnt it the worst? Like your bladder is going to fall out if you dont pee right then? Oh man and we have ALL done the potty dance. The "s" dance as i call it. Where your body hunches over on itself because of how badly you need a restroom and if you straighten up you will pee your pants? Man that sucks so bad. Just a random little note. I dont know why but just because.

20 questions

Answer these it'll be fun!
1. Who is your idol?
2. If you could have any super power what would it be?
3. What is the worst screw up you have ever had?
4. If you could date any famous person who would it be? WHY!?
5. What is your favorite color? Food?
6. What do you want to be career wise?
7. If you could have any pet, mythical or otherwise, what would it be?
8. What is the worst thing you have ever eaten?
9. What is your hidden talent? (other than writing)
10. If you could meet anyone dead or alive and spend the day with them who would it be?
11. What is your favorite book/author?
12. What is your favorite video game?
13. What is your weapon of choice in a zombie apocalypse?
14. What is your favorite movie genre?
15. What size shoe do you wear?
16. What is your favorte hobby?
17. Do you like ice cream? What is your favorite flavor?
18. Have you ever been in love?
19. if you could dye your hair any unnatural color which would you choose?
20. Do you like being you? You should because you are all wonderful! :) <3

Sorry

I'm sorry I cant make you realize i love you.
I'm sorry I cant make you happy.
I'm sorry you think so down on yourself.
I'm sorry you think that I will leave you because that will NEVER happen.
I'm sorry that I am not perfect.
I'm sorry you dont realize how perfect you are.
I'm sorry that I am not good enough for you.
I'm sorry I cant give you everything you want.
I'm sorry that your life hasnt been perfect.
I'm sorry you have less than you deserve.
I'm sorry that I cannot always be there for you.
I'm sorry that I am not ideal.
I'm sorry i wasnt what you were looking for.
But never doubt my love for you.
Realize how loved you are.
Realize how much i care about you.
Realize that you, and only you, are the best thing to ever happen to me.
I'm sorry you cant understand.
I'm sorry your not here to see.
But I love you with everything I am.
And everything i will ever be.

D.J.D.S.R

collateral damage

Hate me.
Hate me.
Devistate me.
Burn me.
Burn me.
Recreate me.
Hide me.
Hide me.
Push aside me.
Then dissect me.
Ressurect me.
As long as you remember me.

I dont care how many time you're gonna tell me that you hate me now.
I dont care how deep you cut me cause we all know i just want to bleed out.
You're causing damage.
You know you're causing damage.
But it's alright.
Cause it's collateral.

Make me.
Make me.
Make me hate you.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Tell me that you hate me too.
Kill me.
Kill me.
Kill me with your sharpened knife.
Take me.
Take me.
Take my own pathetic life.
As long as you can give me back my time.

I dont care how many time you're gonna tell me that you hate me now.
I dont care how deep you cut me cause we all know i just want to bleed out.
You're causing damage.
You know you're causing damage.
But it's alright.
Cause it's collateral.

Pain

I thought you were the one,
That i could truly trust.
You told me this was love.
No such thing as lust.
But when you said goodbye,
On that awful winter day,
I know what was in my heart.
I know that i felt pain.
You bring me pain.

You help my hand,
You kissed me.
Said it was all alright.
Said we were meant to be.
You told me that you loved me,
on that gorgeous night.
But now that it is over.
All i do is cry.
You make me cry.

????

"It's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault." He says it over and over again. His lips touch my forehead and it hurts. I dont understand why but his mouth is covered in blood when he pulls back. "It's not your fault. It's not your fault." He continues. It feels as though he is saying it more to himself than me. "It's not your fault. It's not your fault." His face, dirty and mucky, is streaked with tears. His hand, clammy and cold, is tightly gripping mine. His sobs break loose as he repeats again, "It's not your fault. I't's not your fault." My eyes feel heavy so I close then and he jumps. His speaking quickens, "It's not your fault. It's not your fault." I wish to tell him that it is okay but i cannot remember what happened. When i open my mouth to ask blood pours out. He looks at me and when his finger touches my lips is remember. The nasty fight. A man in black was yelling at him for his money. When he said he didnt have it the man in black came at him with a knife. The man sitting with me pulled out a gun and shot it...just as i stepped into the middle to stop the fight. The bullet was not lodged into my stomach. And I am laying in an alley dying. "It's not your fault. It's not your fault." He pauses and lets out an agonized scream. With the gun at his temple he looks at me again. "It's ALL your fault." He yells. He pulls the trigger. And I never even knew his name.

Finally

His smile would light up my world. His touch would always warm my heart. And his tender "i love you" would tingle my soul. I can feel him with me even when he is away. What is that feeling in my stomach that i get when he smiles? I have never had that sensation before.

I promised I wouldn't let myself fall in love to easily ever again. All it brings is heart ache. I didnt fall for the last one. But with him it was impossible not to. I simply couldnt help it. He was just so wonderful. He treated me so well, sometimes I felt like I didn't deserve him. He made me happy and I hadn't been happy in over a year. But he made me smile to the point that my cheeks hurt after spending even twenty minutes with him. He made me feel like I was worth something, like i had a purpose, like life was worth living.

His voice resonated in my mind. Those words burned there like hot white flames. When he told me he loved me and asked me to marry him. That was the best day of my life. It was also the last day. While driving back from the glorious resturant i was admiring my ring. He released one hand from the wheel and took mine in his. He looked at me and whispered my name. He told me again he loved me and i cried from the sheer joy of it all. He wiped away the tear just as the scream escaped. The head lights were bright in our eyes from the forty ton truck the rammed into our little subaru head first.

The damage was catastrophic. He suffered major brain contusions and was in a coma for 19 months. Only twenty six years old... I was killed instantly. My body was gone but my soul lingered. I saw everything. I sat by his hospital bed everyday and willed him to wake up. After almost two years he did. And he was furious. All he wanted was to die and be with me again. I watched as day after day the depression ate him alive. I witnessed each slice he inflicted on his wrist as the guilt tore him open. I saw as he would lay in bed screaming from the nightmares of that hideous night. I regaurded as he drank himself into insanity. It was like dying all over again.

He was walking to his car one day when he was shot in a drive-by. As all of the feelings left his body and he was overcome with the blackness he thought, "finally." And when his body was dead his sould found mine, I said. "I've been waiting for you." He smiled for the first time in years and replied, "You are so beautiful." And we walked up the stairs to Heaven together. Exactly how it was supposed to be.

Broken

His breath was warm on my neck on that wintery afternoon. His arms were strong when they wrapped around my waist as the snow made a heavy blanket on the earth. His lips were light when he pressed them to mine. His hand was soft on the small of my back. His tongue was hot when he parted our lips. His face was full of regret when he pulled away. His eyes spilled tears when he looked into mine. His response was brutal when i asked him why. His head was hung when he walked away. My heart was broken when he never called again.

The Edge

I'm standing on the edge
My heart is shattered.
I'm standing on the edge
My blood is splattered.
I'm flying off the edge
My stomach drops.
I'm flying off the edge
My thinking stops.
I'm falling to the floor
My cries are silent.
I'm falling to the floor
As death's next client.
I'm laying on the ground
Looking in wonder.
I'm laying on the ground
Wishing he were fonder.
I'm dying on the dirt
My hands are numbing.
I'm dying on the dirt
And I question what is coming.
My eyes close.
My mind goes blank.
No one knows.
Where it is that I lay.
I'm standing on the edge
I see my death.
I'm standing on the edge where there is nothing left.

Senses

She unwraps the bandages to place over the wounds. When she feels the rough texture of the adhesive she just takes a minute and touches it. She runs her fingers over the divits and examines the changes as she follows the pattern left to right. The package says royal and she wonders what makes these so much better than the rest. She can smell the latex on the band aid when she puts it to her nose. She can see the interlacing pattern of the fibers that make it up. She hears the tear when she rips it open to place over her heart. She can tase the blood dripping into her throat. Then suddenly her sight parishes. Her sense of touch depleats, her tongue goes limp and he nose is to stuffed to smell. She falls to the ground with olnly her hearing and she listens to the silence.

Remember Me

Prologue

This is not a love story. This is not a story of joyous happiness. This is a sad story. A story of children who face struggles. This is a story of heart wrenching tragedies and morals that you can keep with you forever. This is a story of how six young men overcome obstacles they never thought they would face and how through everything that happened to them when they were young…they become close, they become brothers in the mind. Follow me as I tell you of the journey taken on by these six boys, all brought together by a common problem: addiction. Matthew Flynn, age nineteen. At the delicate age of seven both of his parents were killed in a fatal car accident leaving him and his four year old brother with his aunt Natalie. She was an alcoholic and abused the children; they were soon after put in an orphanage, which caught fire killing everyone except Matthew and another little boy, Luis. Matthew went through life from age twelve until now living on the streets hopping from place to place. Along the way Matthew picked up an addiction: heroin. Jacob Channing, age eighteen. When he was ten he ran away from his family, he figured they wouldn’t notice seeing as nobody was ever home besides him and the nanny. When his babysitter was on the phone with her boyfriend, he quietly slipped out the back door and never spoke to his family again. He lived with his best friend, Emily and her family. They treated him as though he was their own son. However they both had a secret, an addiction that Jacob picked up very quickly at the age of thirteen. Jacob’s addiction: Meth. Luis Stevens, age eighteen. He was the other boy that escaped the orphanage fire. He was put in the orphanage because his parents were not the best. They only fed him cake or ice cream whenever they absolutely had to. They kept their refrigerator stocked with alcohol and booze. Everything was fine, until he turned fifteen. At fifteen his adoptive family kicked him out when they found out he had also picked up an addiction from movies. He saw it being done and just wanted to try it once, he had no idea that one time was all it took to get you hooked. Luis’ addiction: cocaine. Scott and Peter Thomas, age 16. These twins were born into a family of geniuses. When they realized they couldn’t live up to the expectations their parents had set, they left. It was all they could think to do. At age eleven they had gotten jobs singing in small restaurants where the managers felt sorry for them. They slept in the kitchens of the restaurants they sang in. When they didn’t have a gig, they slept on benches at parks. While singing in a bar one night at age fifteen they tried smoking Peter didn’t like it, but he soon found something else that suited him. Scott’s addiction: marijuana. Peter’s addiction: inhalants. Our last boy is Alexander Malone, age thirteen. Alex grew up in a house full of smokers and alcoholics. His parents didn’t care what he did. So he did everything he could to get their attention. He smoked cigars, he snorted cocaine. He even tried meth one time. But the one thing he did that they actually cared about was drinking. They “didn’t want him to end up like them.” They wanted him to have a good life. Bull. So he drank often, to get attention from his parents who never cared. Little did anybody know, it would soon turn to an addiction. Alex’s addiction: alcohol. Eventually all of these boys were caught and put in rehab. Where they met.

The room was quiet. Really quiet. The boys just sat in the little orange chairs and glanced each other over. Matthew sat close to the window and looked out at all the trees and plants. While Jacob and the others sat close to the door so they could get out easy. No one wanted to be there, but no one really took the time to care. The round clock on the wall indicated it was now 3:15. The session was supposed to begin at 3:00 sharp. The boys were all there, but no one else was. Five more minutes passed, and the room grew hotter as the burning sun was absorbed into the deep red paint chipping off the walls. Some boys toughed it, others began peeling off hoodies and tennis shoes. It was the beginning of autumn. The summer heat was still shifting in the small town of Bartow Georgia. Population, 223. Twenty more minutes passed and a few of the guys were starting to debate ditching and going to early dinner, when a peppy blonde girl practically danced into the room with a clipboard and a cheery white smile. “Hello everyone!” She began. “My name is Allison! And I’m going to be your group’s leader.” She flashed perfect white teeth and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m so sorry for all the waiting but traffic was horrible!” She giggled a little bit and when no one laughed along she quickly stopped. “Well alright then. Aren’t we just a cheery bunch?” A short silence. “Okay. Does anyone know the date? I seem to have forgotten.”

“Yes ma’am.” A voice said. “Today is October second, 2001 ma’am.” Another voice, a deeper one, stifled a sob.

“Thank you young man. Now! Let’s begin. When I call your name on roll I want you to state your age and your addiction okay?” Another short silence. “Okay. Matthew?” A lanky young man with tousled golden hair cut just above his sea green eyes stood and coughed once.

“Uh, yeah, I like to be called Matt if that’s alright.” Allison nodded at him. “I’m uh, nineteen. And I’m addicted to heroin.” Allison wrote something down on her clipboard and pursed her lips at Matt.

“I see.” She began. “Matt, how long have you been doing heroin?”

“Since I was twelve ma’am.”

“Wow…okay. Jacob?” another tall boy stood. He looked as though he was in desperate need of a hair cut as his chocolate hair hung just past his shoulders. His blue eyes seemed to shine in the fluorescent lights and he tugged the sleeves of his crimson jacket right above his elbows.

“Yo…chick. It’s Jake. Not Jacob. I hate that name.” He shuddered and then continued. “Anyways. I’m eighteen and I do meth. Yeah that’s it.” He scratched aimlessly at his arm.

“Okay.” Allison did not want to speak to him any further than that. “Luis?” A shorter guy standing at about five foot six stood up and flashed a million watt smile at everyone as he sagged his blue jeans a little lower revealing red and orange boxers.

“Hey. I’m Luis. I’m eighteen years old. And I do cocaine. So don’t mess with me…’cause I’ll kill you all.” He jumped at them and made a menacing face then laughed when Allison stifled a scream, and all the boys jumped.

“Alright. I’ll make sure not to get on your bad side. Scott?” A very tall boy standing at about six foot three stood slowly and shook out his shaggy light brown hair, shoved his hands in his pockets and looked around the room.

“I’m Scott. I’m sixteen. And I do pot, dope, marijuana. Whatever you want to call it, it’s not bad for me but these idiot policemen think it is. So whatever.” He quickly sat back down next to another boy who looked just like him, looked at him, and stifled another sob.

“How long have you been smoking pot young man?” Allison asked,

“Long enough okay?” He paused and sighed then looked at a little bracelet that hung around his wrist. “Just leave me alone.”

“Alright honey… Peter?” The other boy who looked exactly like Scott stood up quickly. The only difference between him and his brother is that Peter had milk brown eyes while, his brother’s were teal.

He did not stand up. “I’m Peder I’m sigdeen and I do inhilts.” He mumbled, slurring his words together. It was nearly impossible to understand anything he had said and everyone looked at him dumbfounded. He wiped his runny nose on the sleeve of his jacket.

“Excuse me?” Allison asked politely. “Will you please repeat that?

“I said, I’m Peter, I’m sixteen and I do inhalants .” He buried his face in his hands and began crying. Scott patted his back as he sat back down. Then he whispered something in his ear and Peter sat up straighter and wiped his tears away.  Allison sighed wistfully.

“Last but certainly not least is Alex.” A young boy who looked like he’d just gotten mugged stood up slowly. He had pulled his chair to a corner of the room and isolated himself from the group. When he spoke he kept his hand over his mouth and he didn’t make eye contact with anyone.

“Uh…I’m uh Alex and I just turned thirteen a week ago…I uh…I drink.” It was hard to understand his words but not impossible.

“Alex honey, could you please put your hand down and speak more clearly?” He dropped his hand revealing his mouth and when he opened it to speak again he was missing three teeth. It then became very clear why he covered his mouth in the first place. People began to wonder if he had just gotten mugged. He had a rug burned neck, a black eye, cuts on his face, and three missing teeth. By the looks of it this was all fresh. A couple of the other boys gasped and Alex spoke again.

“I’m thirteen and I’m a drunk.” He stopped there and sat down putting his hand back over his mouth. He was obviously going to say no more than that. Allison sighed, and looked as though she was about to say something. Just as she opened her mouth to speak a bell rang in the room and all the boys looked at the clock, 4:00, and Allison slowly stood up.

“Well,” she began “that’s all we have time for today. I’ll see you all back here tomorrow at two thirty sharp. You have a little bit of homework. Now that I know your addictions I want you all to do a little research on the computers in the library and you are going to share it with us all tomorrow. Okay?” After all the boys nodded she dismissed the group and sighed. She thought about how bad it was for her when she was at the rehab hospital for acid; she felt the pain and the sorrow the boys must have been feeling. She put her face in her hands and briefly cried at the flashbacks. She pulled herself together and snatched a tissue from the box at the desk. She blew her nose and then she herself left to go eat some dinner.

            After the dinner of stale bread sticks and cold macaroni and cheese the boys scurried up to the third floor where the library was. They each took a seat in front of a stone age computer and hit the power button. Luis’ computer was broken so he shoved Alex off of his and Alex didn’t dare fight back. He simply huddled himself into a little corner and watched the other boys do their research.  After three hours of compiling information and double checking sources for accuracy, Matt, Jake, Luis, Scott, and Peter left to hit the showers and get some sleep. Alex slowly uncurled himself from the corner and made his way over to the computer he was previously at. Luis had left him a little note on a word document. It read: Dear Dead Meat, If you even try to do anything to hurt me or anyone else here I will kill you. You can count on that, so take your little sob story elsewhere. No one wants you here. Sincerely, Your Worst Nightmare. Alex read the note twice before exiting the program and continuing on his research. After two agonizing hours he glanced at the clock. 11:14. He sighed, printed his findings, and turned off the computer.

            While all the other guys were sound asleep snoring in their cots, Alex jumped into a shower. He felt filthy and sore. The truth was, he had been beat up, but he wasn’t mugged. His mom had gotten really drunk before taking him to the hospital to get help. She was pissed that he got caught and now they were both going to be in trouble because “her little boy was a screw up.” He had lived in Bartow all his life, and he intended on leaving as soon as he was old enough. This town just had too many bad memories for him. They had gotten in a car accident on the way, and his mom wasn’t severely injured because she was drunk. Alex, however, was hurt badly.  His face smacked the dashboard blacking his eye and knocking out three of his adult teeth. The windshield shattered and the glass sliced up his cheek and hands. The seatbelt rubbed against his neck and turned his skin pink and raw. Alex was all beat up. These thoughts and images ran through his mind as the hot water pounded on his back. Some of the tension rolled out of him as he lathered his hair and rinsed it. After drying off and slipping into his pajamas, Alex fell out of focus with the world, and slept for the first time in four days.

The boys awoke the next morning at eight o clock and dressed for their morning run. They jogged around campus and a couple of them chatted about their girlfriends and their pets. It all seemed so normal to Scott. Everyone was just conversing with people they had just met the day prior as if they were life-long friends. None of them knew and he was never going to tell these strangers that not only was he addicted to pot, he was incredibly depressed. Talking about their girlfriends, that really made him tick. Scott had a girlfriend. Her name was Amile. As Scott remembered her she had hair the color of wheat that fell gently to the middle of her back in its loose curls. Her green eyes always seemed to melt his heart when he would look into them before they kissed. He was so happy with her. Madly in love, until she died. She was in Michigan visiting her ill grandmother. She had been gone for two weeks and he had a big reuniting planned. He’d bought her yellow roses, her favorite flower, and made them reservations at The Melting Pot. He was just thrilled to be able to see her beautiful face again, but on the plane coming home to him, was a terrorist. Scott had lived in the city of New York. The date was 9-11-2001 when Scott’s girlfriend and true love Amile, had been killed in plane crash. He knew she never would have wanted him here. She never would have wanted him to do something so stupid. She never would have wanted him to hurt himself. So why did he? He was only hurting her more and by that he was hurting himself. He was going to quit, he was going to make her proud while she looked over him rather than hurt and disappointed.

After the jog the boys were supposed to go to a nine o clock breakfast but Luis decided he needed a shower. He turned the dial to hot, and began peeling off sweat dampened clothes. While he was alone and the heat of the water was beating against his back he began thinking. People had always told him he was a jerk, or he was rude, or mean. He never really listened to them. He had his reasons and they didn’t need to know about them. Before he came to this hospital from Los Angeles California, to get better, his only friend, Chad, had told him he didn’t want to be his friend anymore. He told Luis that he was a jerk. That it was no wonder he didn’t have any friends,  Luis was always rude to Chad’s girlfriend and his friends. He thought he was being funny, but no one else found his jokes amusing, only insulting. So people ignored him, left him alone. A lot of people were scared of him. He wanted to change that. As he turned the knob and the water stopped spraying on him he decided he was going to try to be nice. He was going to be a real sweetheart. The only problem he was afraid of running into was, that he didn’t know how to be nice or sweet. Rude and mean was his thing, but he was determined to change his ways. Including the cocaine. He was done with it all.

At breakfast Matt was sitting next to Peter and Alex. He felt bad for the poor kid. He was only thirteen years old and he had been an alcoholic for years. He chatted with the boys at the table but when they would talk he was only really half listening. For the most part he was thinking. Matt had a tough life too. When he was living on the street he didn’t have anybody until he turned eighteen and got an apartment and a dog. He had been working at a burger king when a man came in and heard him playing guitar in the backroom right before closing. He rang the service bell and Matt abruptly stopped his playing and walked out. After taking the man’s order he smiled and grabbed his food. The man asked him if he was the one playing guitar in the back. When he said yes the man simply looked very excited and he offered Matt a job with a new band he was working on. He was fifteen when all of it happened and he was thrilled. What kid doesn’t want to be a musician right? However after about two years of playing with the band, they kicked him out at the discovery he did heroin. He was devastated. So he started doing heroin more and more. He ended up with three to five injections a day. He was becoming more addicted by the hour. At eighteen he rented his apartment and bought a dog with all the money he had earned playing. He loved his dog and he got another job working at a pet smart down town. He was happy, well as happy as any heroin addict could be. He thought his life could only go up from there. He was dead wrong. He wanted to fix it as soon as he could. He didn’t want to be a screw up anymore. He wanted to make things right.

After breakfast all the guys went to the loft to watch T.V. or play foosball. Jacob sat on the couch and stared out the window at the clouds high above him. His mind was racing with images of his childhood and his teenage years images of new friends and old ones. Thoughts of his adoptive parents and his little sister. Emily had been like a little sister to him. She was now 16 and still living happily in Baltimore, Maryland. He called her when he could to let her know how he was doing. He knew it must have been just as hard for her to lose her brother as it was for him to lose his sister. At least he hoped she was doing well. They hadn’t talked in three days and it was really tough on him. He missed her like crazy. He hoped that she wasn’t going to take after him and be an idiot like he thought he was and do meth or any other stupid drug out there. It was really stupid. He knew it he just wanted to fit in somewhere, but he didn’t seem to belong anywhere. No one, including himself, even knew that he was amazingly talented. He could sing so well. He didn’t realize his talent and potential and doing meth was only hurting him and everyone around him. Emily made him promise he would never give himself injections again and he did promise, he kept his promise too. Instead of injecting it starting then he would snort it. He wanted to stop. He was going to get himself on the right track to get back to Emily because he really did love her, they really were like brother and sister. He was going to fix it for his sake and for hers.

Peter walked into the session that day a half hour early and took a seat right by the window. He pulled his research out of the folder he had and he re-read it over and over again. Inhalants, he thought to himself. How could I have been so stupid? He had let himself get addicted to something that could instantly kill you the first time you try it. He felt like an idiot. After everything that happened to his brother with Amile. He could have gone and gotten himself killed at any instant and left his brother with what? With who? Nothing and no one. Nothing and no one! He felt so selfish and horrible. His brother always told him that if he were to ever do a drug that he would be best off with either cigarettes or marijuana. He didn’t listen, he didn’t want to. He always told Scott he would never get addicted to anything at all. Scott would always say just never do inhalants or acid, ever. “They will kill you baby brother. Don’t do them.” He would always say. Why couldn’t he have just listened? Why did he have to go off and be so freaking stupid!? He wanted to make it all right again. He wanted to make his disappointment to his brother disappear. He wanted his brother to be proud of him again. He wanted to quit, and he was going to for Scott.

Two thirty rolled around and the boys had all wandered in during the next half hour. Fist Scott and he sat by his brother. Then Luis who sat alone by the door. Then Matt followed by Alex and Jacob. They all walked in together and talked as if they were old friends. Talking about parents and crap. No one else really took a chance to care, they were all by themselves. They all sat and held their papers as if they were an old tissue, except Peter. Peter was very interested and also upset about his addiction. After finding all the information a few of the guys had their minds set on quitting. They all sat thinking and not a minute later, Allison scuttled through the door in her little purple top and pencil skirt, her hair hung curled down her back and the sight made Scott hold back tears. She had hair like Amile’s. “Alright. I’m glad everyone is here on time and it looks like everyone did their homework.” She paused and giggled. “Or should I call it hospital work?” She laughed her bell like laugh again but this time Matt and Jacob chimed in. They had seemed to bond over music in the last couple of days. “Anyways,” she continued pushing hair out of her face. “I want everyone to come and sit next to each other as if you actually care for the other people in this room.” All the boys got up and made a smaller circle with the chairs. They sat next to each other like she asked, all of them were comfortable and fine except Luis. He just wanted to go home and tell all of his classmates that he’s kind hearted now. That he has changed his ways and he is a better person. The only thing was he hadn’t changed yet. He was still the same Luis as before, he just now had a different mindset. “Okay everyone. Last night I asked you all to do some research on your addiction. I don’t care if you got effects, long or short term, if you got the ingredients of the drug. If you simply found out how long it takes for it to kill you. So long as you got your information everyone is happy.” All of the boys nodded in return and held up their papers for her to see. “Today we are going to start with you,” she pointed to Jacob who was sitting on her direct left. “and go around in a circle. You don’t have to share every fact you have but a couple of them would be very much appreciated.” She nodded at Jacob and he joyfully stood up with his little half sheet of paper. He cleared his throat and pushed his hair out his eyes before beginning.

“Well as everyone knows I do meth. Yeah some of its street names are speed, crystal, crank, go-fast, uppers, and black beauties. Uh, meth can damage your brain, in short term effects it causes your mind and your mood to change. You can get really anxious. It can end up in the long run making you paranoid and giving you delusional thinking. You can tell someone’s doing meth if they cant sleep they are really sensitive to noise, they have a nervous physical activity, like if they scratch their arm a lot, they get confused and dizzy, and there are a lot more ways to see the effects. Meth is illegal in every state and is really dangerous.” Very theatrically he took a bow and sat again. Allison stood up.
“Alright, thank you for starting us off Jake. I appreciate it. Okay and next is Matt.” Matt stood up and held his paper out really far from his face then squinted his eyes.

“I do heroin and some of its street names are smack, horse, mud, brown sugar, junk, big H, dope, and skag. You can get HIV from injecting heroin. Heroin gets to your brain fast and it slows down your thinking and your reaction time, it also slows down your memory. It makes you make weird choices. You can tell someone is doing heroin if they are sleepy all the time, they have slow and shallow breathing and their pupils are constricted. Heroin is NOT less dangerous if you smoke it rather than injecting it. Either way its heroin. It can cause liver diseases and, yeah that’s it.” He sat down quickly and Jake high fived him.

“Alright. Alex dear? Your next.” Alex stood up and shook his hair out. The blonde kid seemed helpless and uncomfortable.

“There wasn’t a lot of information about alcohol. But I did find some stuff. Like uh, it makes you dizzy and it slurs your speech. Its really hard to sleep when your drunk, you can get a really bad stomach ache, it can lead to domestic violence and abuse. You get a hangover, those suck. You get a really bad headache and you get really freaking thirsty and your really tired. It can cause permanent damage to your brain and liver and kidneys. That’s all I found.” He sat down and put his hand over his mouth again.

“Thank you sweetheart. Luis? You go next please?”

“Yeah whatever. Uh, I do cocaine and its street names are blow, coke, snow, king’s habit, and dream. It can be snorted, smoked, or injected. It can cause constricted blood vessels, dilated pupils, increased body temperature, increased heart rate, irregular heart beat, and high blood pressure. If you snort you end up with constant nose bleeds, loss of smell, hoarseness, and problems swallowing. If you smoke it you end up with reduction of the blood flow to the intestines. If you inject cocaine you get severe allergic reactions, increased rate for HIV, hepatitis, and other blood borne diseases. When cocaine users stop using cocaine, they become depressed, fatigued, anxious, irritable, sleepy and they lose any pleasure. You can end up with a brain hemorrhage too. So…don’t be dumb and do cocaine like me, cause I’m and idiot.” He said it for a laugh, trying to be funny and relatable; instead people looked at him as if he was crazy and belonged in the Phsyc department. He clapped his hands together once and clasped them then sat back down when no one laughed or even giggled. Allison stood up.

“Well, how interesting Luis. Thank you. Peter, your next honey.” Peter stood and held his papers in front of his eyes so no one would notice if he started crying except his brother.

“Well, inhalants are extremely bad for you, their street names are, air blast, bolt, boppers, bullet bolt, climax, dusting, glue, highball, huff, kick, locker room, moon gas, oz, pearls, Satan’s secret, snappers, spray, tolly, ands whippets. Common household inhalants products are nail polish remover, spray paint and glue, lighter fluid, hair and deodorant sprays, cleaning fluid, and whipped cream canisters. You can sniff or snort inhalants. Spraying aerosols into your nose or mouth is a way to abuse it. Inhaling nitrous oxide from balloons. All of these are ways to use and abuse inhalants. Inhalants only cause a buzz for a few minutes at most so most users, like me, will inhale repeatedly over and over for several hours to keep a high. Inhalants starve the body of oxygen and cause your heart to beat more rapidly which can be very dangerous. Inhalants affect your brain much faster and much stronger than any other drug. That can cause irreversible damage before they even know what happened. Inhalants can cause a sudden death.” He paused and stifled a sob. Then looked at his brother who gave him a signal to continue. He took a deep breathe. “You know that someone is using inhalants when their speech is slurred, they seem dizzy or drunk, they have an unusual breath odor, their clothing smells like chemicals, they have paint stains on their body or face, they have red eyes and a runny or bloody nose. That’s all I found.” Allison sighed as his paper came down and everyone could see that his eyes were rimmed with red and his cheeks were tears streaked. She walked over and patted him on the back. She looked him dead in the eye and in her sincere and gentle way just smiled and whispered that he was here to get better. He was here to be a new person. She didn’t know that he was tired of being here he just wanted to go home. He didn’t have a home, but he didn’t want to be there. If he had a chance to escape he would take it.

“Scott honey, will you please go now?” He stood and un-crumpled a paper.

“Marijuana is stupid. Don’t do it. The end.” And with that he sat down and smiled at the other guys who were obviously trying not to laugh. Allison was steaming at the ears. Her face was bright red and her lips were a tight line.

“Scott, that was not a report that gave us no information besides your new opinion on marijuana. Would you like to elaborate?”

“Naw. I’m good.” He flashed a seductive smile and smoldered with his eyes.

“Scott, this is your last chance. Elaborate or I will have you leave and not come back here.”

“Finally!” He exclaimed. “I can leave this hell hole and go somewhere worth while?!” Allison simply looked down at her clipboard and sighed very disappointedly and hurt. Then she waved her hand as a bell rang and the guys left for an afternoon break in the loft.

            Peter sat watching the television though he wasn’t paying attention to anything that was going on. Jake and Matt were wrestling over the remote next to him but he was so far away that he didn’t notice. All he kept thinking was that he wanted to leave this stupid place. He wanted to just go somewhere that he could sit alone without people watching his every move. All he wanted was space and time to be himself, to find who he was. He was only sixteen for god’s sake. Who was he? Not even he knew. He was determined to find out. He had been devising a plan to escape and he was going to tell his brother about it tonight. Maybe all the guys would go with them and they could get through all this together. It might be easier that way for all of them to get off drugs it was obvious that none of them wanted to do drugs anymore, so maybe Peter could help. They could all get out and go somewhere far away.

Scott sat in the corner during this same period of time and thought of ways that he could get out. He just didn’t want to be here anymore but he knew if he stayed it would only piss him off and he’d end up with parole. He didn’t want that at all so he thought of ways to escape a rehab facility. He came up with: nothing. The only time they weren’t being constantly watched was when they were jogging in the morning but he didn’t want the other guys to follow him if he left. So he sat in silence and thought, he still came up with nothing. Maybe I’m just stupid, he thought to himself, maybe I’m not smart enough to come up with a way to get out. I’ll just talk to Peter about it later, he thought, I’m sure he’ll have an idea because he’s always been the smart one. Peter could come up with something really effective really fast. He was proud of his brother, even though he did inhalants and could die any second or could have died years ago. He was proud of how smart he was. Scott got the looks but he’d rather have gotten the brains. He had always been jealous of Peter but he would never admit it. He hoped Peter would support and help him out on this one.

Lunch rolled around and the boys all lazily walked down to the mess hall. Except Scott, he seemed to trot to the food, he was far to peppy if you ask Luis. He was so giddy! At one point Luis asked Peter, “what had crawled out of his ass?” Peters response to Luis’ laugh was a smack in the face. Luis clenched his fists and was ready to swing when he thought, no…no more rude. He put his hands own and said “You’re right that was rude. Sorry.” Peter was shocked. Luis felt strange, he decided he’d be nice to Scott now too. So he brought him a soda pop, cherry cola, his favorite. He even opened the bottle for him and everything. When he got to the table Peter had already told him about what happened with Luis, so Scott graciously took the drink, and lunch went on as usual.

After lunch, it was gym time. All the guys had weights that afternoon and when they entered the room in their gym clothes they all paused awestruck. Everyone was so well built and buff, the boys looked like toothpicks next to them. Alex felt the smallest though because he was five foot three and weighed barely 100 pounds. He felt as though any of these guys could squish him under their boot. All of the boys went to one corner of the weights room and picked a different exercise and set a thirty minute timer so they could alternate. There was leg presses and bench pressing and lifting and squats and a bunch of other machines. While Alex was lifting Luis decided it would be funny to add twenty pounds of weight to one side of his bar knocking him over and causing him to get a concussion. “Stupid alcoholics.” He laughed. “They never know what’s hit them.” He laughed once through his throat and continued on the leg presses.

Alex was sent to the facilities infirmary and was told he had a small concussion and he would end up with a lump on his forehead. The nurse gave him an ice pack and sent him off. He was told he wasn’t allowed to work out anymore until the concussion subsided. So he sat and wrote. No one knew, and they never would, but Alex was really into poetry. He wrote whenever he had the chance. In his journal of poems that day he wrote this:

Fire

The flames engulf the logs in a frenzy.

They do a spicy dance as the sparks fly in the air,

They make a picture of my memories

The good and the bad are shown over and over.

They flames engulf the logs in a frenzy.

They remind me of my past, the life I left behind.

They make my throat go dry and my body hot.

The flames engulf the logs in a frenzy.

As they last of the wood is smoked and smothered,

I see my family, burning away with it,

My life burning away with it.

The flames die away with haste.

I see nothing.

He thought that one was pretty good, but it wasn’t his best. He usually wrote about his “habit”. This poem however was not that great to him. It was when he realized that, that Matt walked over to check on him. “Hey buddy. How are you feeling? Luis is a real ass huh?” Alex nodded and tried to slip the notebook behind him before Matt asked about it. “What’cha got there?”

“Nothing.” Alex replied a little too hastily. “It’s really nothing.”

“Come on man,” Matt pleaded making a very dramatic pouty face, “let me see it?” Alex hesitated but handed over the notebook anyways. Matt flipped it open and read a few poems. Alex just sat there awkwardly looking at Matt every once in a while. “Wow.” Matt said when he finished the third poem. “These are amazing. Have you ever thought about publishing?” Alex blushed slightly and shook his head. It wasn’t anything he had ever considered it. He never thought he was that good. He knew he was alright but never publishing good, never. His poetry as he had said before was just a hobby, nothing more.

“I’m not that good man. Just an amateur.”

“An amateur with skill Alex. Really when we get the hell outta this place you should send them in. When did you start writing bud?” He patted Alex’s back encouragingly.

“Probably like three or four years ago. I have six full notebooks with my poetry and short stories.” Alex was really starting to warm up to Matt, he was actually nice. He patted Alex on the back again then stood and ruffled his hair before going to work again. The ruffled hair thing made him feel like he was two but out of all of the boys Matt was the only one who gave a shit that Alex existed. Besides Luis, but Alex was used as his little punching bag. Alex though Luis was an asshole and Scott was a dipshit. He thought Jacob and Matt seemed pretty cool, but Peter was a crybaby in his eyes. He wondered why. Oh well it’s not his business. All he needed to know was that his own life was more important to him than theirs. He wanted to get the hell away from here. He hated being an alcoholic and he wanted to stop he just didn’t know how yet? He was going to learn. He knew Matt wanted to be off drugs too maybe they could work together to get better. All he knew was if he stayed in this hellhole he would only end up drinking more.

Matt liked Alex he thought he was a good kid who was just steered in the wrong direction. He wanted for them to be friends. Matt always wanted his little brother back; maybe Alex could help ease the pain a little, pose as a brother to him.            

It had been 12 years and still he cried at night when he saw his baby brother’s face as he himself ran out of the building leaving him behind. He cared more about himself at that point in time. He hated his little brother, they were kids, and now all he wants is to put him in a headlock and give him a noogie. That was never going to happen. That night was the worst night of his life. Like the fire on the building the memory of it is burned into brain and no matter how hard he tried to wash it away, it stayed, and stays still. Every night the same nightmare occurred. He was little, only seven, and his brother and him were in the play room. They were making buildings out of legos and his brother kept taking all of the red legos. Those were Matt’s favorite, he was really mad at his brother when the alarm went off, the fire had started right outside the door. They couldn’t get out of the room and they were on the third floor. Matt tried to get his brother to go out the window and climb down the vine, but he wouldn’t. He locked himself in the bathroom and when the room grew too hot, Matt simply left. Leaving his brother behind to burn. He woke up in a sweat and cried the remainder of the night. He just wanted to get out of this place. He was done, with all of it, with drugs and this facility and everything. Done.

            Scott was doing bench presses. All he could think about was taking to Peter about his plans. He was so hyped to be leaving this rat hole. Hallelujah. Twenty, twenty-one. He kept pushing on even though he was beginning to feel like his chest was closing down. Scott was one of those really well built, but tall kids. He had muscle, you just couldn’t see it to well because of his height. He was almost to thirty when he got dizzy. The room was spinning and blackness was blotching around the walls. He got up and was going to go to the room to shower. He got to the top of the stairs and not to long after, he fell unconscious thinking of escaping, and Amilie.

When he awoke he heard sirens and saw the face of a doctor standing over him. The bed he was on was shaking, rattling. He realized he was in an ambulance. The sirens were beginning to give him a headache when the man noticed he was awake. They sped toward the hospital and arrived minutes later. While lying in the disgusting hospital robe he kept asking, “What the hell is going on here? Why am I in a frigging hospital!?”

The doctor finally came in and said “Well Scott, you took quite a spill.” She was a good-looking girl, probably around twenty five. Really attractive face with deep blue eyes and brown wavy hair that was pulled up in a pony tail. He slapped himself inside, what was he thinking. He was already in love. He became very sad…then angry.

“What are you taking about? I never fell.”

“Yes, well you are very lucky you weren’t standing on the top of a few flights of stairs and only the one, or you’d be dead. You overdosed on sleeping pills young man, that’s very dangerous, what were you thinking?”

“What the hell?” He paused thinking then whispered. “Luis.” He breathed. “Damn that son of a bitch! Luis slipped ‘em in my drink at lunch. I wondered why he got me a drink.” He smacked the bed with both fists and it bobbed up and down a couple of times before it settled. It sent an amazing sharp pain through his left wrist. He didn’t care, he was so pissed off he wanted to scream to God and tell Him to give him his fucking girlfriend and his life back! He needed someone who would actually love him right now. He simply suppressed a scream and laid back, feeling suddenly tired and starved. “Hey, doc, why am I so hungry right now?”

“We pumped your stomach hon. There is nothing in it. You can eat in a few minutes. I’ll have someone bring you some cold cereal or something okay?” She smiled and walked out of the room, her black pumps clacking along the tile. He was on his back and he hated sleeping on his back. He rolled over to his stomach and realized soon that was a back idea. He threw up bile into the bedside trash can, and moaned. He felt awful. He was going to kick Luis’ ass. He rolled onto his back again and snarled at the wall. He fell into a light slumber when the smell of eggs and bacon wafted into the room. He looked up and there was a tray of scrambled eggs and four strips of bacon in front of him. He licked his lips as his mouth watered. He smashed bacon into his mouth not trying to taste but simply to get food into him. He was starving. Once he had crammed all the food down his throat and chugged the orange juice he laid down and closed his eyes thinking of his wonderful dead girlfriend. He began crying as he fell into sleep, deeper and deeper.

            Peter was sitting in the rec room, thinking. He was worried sick about his brother. What the hell was he thinking taking sleeping pills? That many of them too. Twenty nine. Twenty nine fucking sleeping pills. Come on man, what the hell? He was a smart kid but even he couldn’t figure out what could have driven Scott to that extreme, Just then Luis walked in the room. “Hey man, where’s you brother?” he snickered a little to himself but Peter was too deep in thought to notice. “Dude…Earth to Peter.”

“Oh.” He snapped out of it and looked up at Luis. “Hey man sorry. I’m just thinking.”

“Apparently, haha dude. Where’s Scott?” He leaned against a wall and crossed his arms as if he knew it was going to be a long story. He was shocked when it wasn’t

“He’s not here man. He’s in a hospital. He wont be here for a day or two.”

“Whoa,” he began, sounding genuinely shocked. “what happened man?”

“He overdosed on sleeping pills.” Peter said this with a bit of disgust and some anger, but no sadness. Luis was frustrated. The only reason he went through all this was to make Peter cry. He just wanted to get back at the motherfucker for slapping him. “I’m pissed man. I’m gonna go cool off in the pool.”

“Alright. Don’t punch any orphans in the face.” He laughed and playfully punched Peter’s arm on his way out. Peter remained very emotionless and calm. Luis grimaced but it was more towards himself than anyone. What had he done?

Jacob sat in his bedroom, that he shared with matt and alex. They were his two best friends here, his two only friends here. He suddenly missed Emily a lot and felt a small spike of pain in his back. He wanted out man. He wanted to go home, now. He missed his little sister, as he was thinking of this he realized something that Emily had known for years. He loved her. Not in only that friendly, sisterly way, but he truly loved her. He wanted to hold her hand and tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her. He was in love, Emily was right. She had been trying to convince him of it for over five years. She had always loved him, said she always would love him. He’d seen her go out with other guys and it never seemed to bother him, but now he realized that little spike of pain he felt was jealousy. Knowing that right at that moment she was probably out with some handsome blonde guy cuddling at the movies. Knowing that he would never get a chance to be with her if he stayed here. He was OUT. He wanted out now.

All the guys gathered in the cafeteria for dinner apart from Scott who was still in the hospital. Luis had his usual menacing stance and facial expressions. Matt and Alex were playing a hand game they learned a few hours before Peter was talking to Jacob about Emily and how he thought he should tell her. Jacob was nodding in agreement. Allison walked in and stood by them calling to settle down. People wondered what was going on considering it was dinner not a session. Allison announced that Scott had been hospitalized for overdosing on sleeping pills she wanted to ask if anyone had any information of why he would do something like that. Luis looked down and snickered a little bit. Peter caught him laughing and raised his hand. “Miss Allison I saw Luis putting sleeping pills in his drink at lunch.” Allison looked disappointedly at Luis and beckoned his to follow her, Luis was no longer laughing, or smiling, or menacing, he was defeated.

Once in Allison’s office she asked him, “Luis, how could you possibly…what could have compelled you to…why?” He looked at the floor and simply stood silent. He shifted his weight from his left foot to his right as Allison circled him and sighed. “Luis I thought you were over this rude thing, you want to change so do it. Be the better person and go apologize to Scott though I’m not sure he could forgive you for this one. Tell him how sorry you are even if you are lying, which I hope you wouldn’t do in this case. Let him know that you will do anything in your power to get his forgiveness because starting now, you will.” She looked him in the eye and snarled. “Get.”

Luis walked the seven blocks to the hospital and when he arrived the receptionist looked at him suspiciously. “Can I help you young man?” She questioned cocking her eyebrow.

“Yes. I’m looking for Scott Thomas. He’s my brother.”

“What’s your name?”

“Peter Thomas. We are twins ma’am. I’m very worried about him. I got here as soon as I could.”

“Alright son, he’s in room 205. Just around the corner there.” She pointed, and Luis nodded at her and began walking towards the room. He got lost once and then ended up in front of room 205. He took a deep breathe through his nose and blew it out his mouth then opened the door. Scott was lying in a little cot sleeping. He pulled the chair up and shook his shoulder a little bit to wake him. He debated yelling to wake the hell up, but decided against it. He was in enough trouble as it was. Scott slowly woke up and blinked rapidly looking around for the nurse who had woken him. When his eyes met Luis’ he yelled, “Bastard what the hell are you doing in here? Go away!” Luis simply looked at him and patted his back. “Don’t touch me! Go Luis. NOW!” Luis stood up but did not leave instead he moved to the other side of the bed and sat down next to Scott.

“Look man I just want to talk to you okay?”

“No man. Get out.” Scott shoved Luis off the bed and Luis hit his tailbone on the tile floor, then stood and rubbed at it.

“Dude, I’m sorry okay? Your brother slapped me before lunch so I got back at him. I knew hurting you would hurt him more than if I put him in the hospital. I didn’t mean for it to go this far. I really am sorry man and I’ll leave now if you want but if I can stay I’d like to explain and apologize.” Scott looked dumbfounded.

“Whoa, man I didn’t know that peter slapped you. You alright?”

“Don’t worry about me dumbshit.” He replied playfully, joyfully. “You’re the one in the hospital with a broken leg and a sprained wrist.” He punched Scott’s arm lightly and sat back in the chair. “So, anyways, I was pissed at your brother so I figured I’d get back at you by putting you to sleep, I didn’t figure they would knock you out that hard man. A whole flight of stairs man, I also didn’t know how many I should slip in to make you pass out. So I used twenty nine, I figured, ‘eh, I’ll just dump in the rest of the bottle.’ Which was stupid for both of us, cause now your in the hospital and I’m out of sleeping pills. “He laughed as if it was a funny joke and Scott deep laugh joined in.

“Yeah, pretty stupid man. I don’t know what you were thinking. Peter should be here right now, not me. What did I do?” He smiled, Luis knew he was kidding, he would jump in front of a bullet to save his brother. “So, dude, we need to be cool, just be friends okay?”

“Sounds real good to me man. I’ll do whatever it takes to get you to forgive me. We can watch some college football and I’ll root for Ohio.” He smiled, “Even though Michigan is my school.” His smile didn’t fade and Scott was glad, Luis was a pretty chill kid in Scott’s opinion.

“Alright man, we’re cool, friends right?” He stuck out his fist and Luis pounded it with his own.

“Friends.” They both smiled and Luis spent the night at the hospital talking to Scott about everything. Turned out Scott wanted out too. Luis learned all about Amile. He obtained a new respect for Scott when this story was told. Then he felt bad because suicide was something that Scott had thought about more than once and Luis almost made people think he had tried to commit suicide. They slept soundly for the night and the new friends dreamed sweet dreams for once in their lives.

Creak, click. A thick scent woke the two boys early in the morning. Pancakes, they both thought at once. Their eyes fluttered open and a nurse had two trays this morning of pancakes, oatmeal, bacon, and scrambled eggs. The cups were full of orange juice and small containers of syrup were placed on the plate by the pancakes. Luis had already finished half of his food by the time Scott had the energy to even open the packs and pour the syrup on his pancakes. Luis offered to help him, being polite. Scott wanted to do it himself though the pain in his wrist was torture. He buzzed for a nurse to bring him morphine after he finished his breakfast. She arrived and Luis said goodbye and walked out as the nurse stuck the needle in the crease of Scott’s arm. He gasped a little as he hated needles and then he soon fell under and away from the pain.

He dreamed a dream of his girlfriend. They were in a park, on the swings. He suddenly got off and walked over to push her. She turned her head and giggled toward him as she flew higher and higher. Her smile made him melt and when he pulled her back this time he kissed her and whispered I love you. She laughed again and smeared her lipgloss all over his face then jumped off the swing and started running. He chased her and they ran around the blacktop and gravel of the park until she fell on top of him laughing. They laughed and talked for hours until the sky became dark and the moon and stars appeared. She lay with her head on his chest and he looked down at her and whole-heartedly told her he loved her. Then she cried because she was leaving for Michigan the next day and she didn’t want to leave him behind. “It’s only two weeks.” He comforted her and then he awoke.

The tears were still streaming down his cheecks and the pillow was damp. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and sat up. The nurse came in to see if he was awake and if he needed more morphine. He told her he was perfectly fine and he just wanted his cast and some food so he could go home.

“You aren’t to sore anymore? You are sure that the cast wont hurt to bad if we get it on now?”

“No, I’m fine now, thanks.”

“Alright I’ll call the doctor in right away.” She exited and Scott bent his wrist and tested his ankle and shin to see where progress had already naturally began. His wrist still hurt pretty bad, but sprains were always worse than breaks. His ankle was in bad shape and his shin was still tender but the damage was done. The worst of it was over. A short stubby man walked into the room, this was not Scott’s normal doctor. This one was new to him. He had a short, brown cap of hair and he walked with a slight bow-legged feeling. He looked Scott over and then took a large step toward the bed.

“Scott, I’m Doctor Harris. Doctor Shane is out sick today. Who would think right?” He laughed at his own joke though Scott did not find it amusing. “I take it you are ready for your cast and your sling?” Scott nodded and winced at the pain it brought to his ankle. “Alright, here we go.” The doctor took out a gauze-like wrap and put around Scott’s foot all the way up to his knee. Scott was closely observing. This was interesting to him. Then he wrapped it with some sort of plastic feeling shit. They plastered over it and wrapped more of the plastic junk on it. It was lime green, and that was Amilie’s favorite color. He stifled a sob and then watched the process of the doctor feeling around in his wrist and flexing it, testing his abilities. He said ow when the pain became almost unbearable but mostly he tried to suppress it and let it out as the pain from losing Amilie. The doctor wrapped him up in actual gauze this time and put a sling over his shoulder to keep his wrist elevated. “All wrapped up kiddo.” The doctor patted Scott’s good shoulder and stood up to leave the room.

“Thanks man.” Scott called after him. He waited a minute and the nurse walked in and told him he was free to go. The rehab facility already paid for the expenses and signed him out. A police officer was going to drive him back to the facility. He stood up and put his clothes back on from the day he had arrived. How long had he been there? He didn’t know. A week maybe? Less? More? He was unsure but he didn’t really care. The time went by all to slow without his Amilie. He was crying as he left the building with his police escort. The sirens stayed off and the lights remained unlit the whole way back. Not a scene was caused, though many cars did slow down a bit as they passed. He would soon be back with all the other kids who were screwed up like he was. Surprisingly he was happy about that.

            During this time that Scott was in the hospital, Peter paced around worried. After he told Allison about Luis almost killing his brother, he went to his bedroom and lay on his bed very still-like staring at the ceiling. He was trying very hard to just not think at all but it proved to be a difficult challenge. He hummed songs out loud and in his head until the images of Scott falling down two flights of stairs had faded. Then he looked at the clock, 6:43. He looked back at the ceiling, his mouth hanging slightly open and fell into a deep slumber. When he awoke he was startled by a sound underneath his bed. He crept slowly towards it only to find it was the cat that roamed around this building. Four days, Peter thought. Four day that he has been in that hospital what are they doing to him? This is torture for the both of us. He is my brother for lord’s sake and I wouldn’t want to see him die. Over extending yourself, get a grip Peter, get a grip. He clenched some of his hair in his fists and rested his elbows on his knees. He’s going to be fine…

            The next day when Luis was at the hospital with Scott, Peter did something he swore he would never do as long as his brother was alive. Peter snuck out of the rehab facility, proof that his escape would work, and he found a man on the road, who was selling drugs. He bought marijuana and took it to an alley. He popped a lighter out of his pocket and lit the marijuana that he had rolled tightly in paper. He puffed it once and coughed before he puffed it again. He finished off the entire joint and sighed disappointedly at himself. He had promised his brother he would never smoke marijuana, but his brother had promised he would never leave him by himself. One broken promise called for another in Peter’s opinion. Now, they were even.

            The day Scott returned Luis was not home. He had gone to the hospital simply to apologize and come back, but it was four a.m. and he was still not here. What could have happened to him? Peter wondered. He had recently come down from his high and he liked the feeling of it. It lasted a lot longer than his inhalants high. He was happy with it, but he still felt guilty and upset with himself for breaking his promise to his brother. Luis was still out and he had been in the hospital with Scott, shit. What if Luis got pissed and ripped Scott’s I.V. out? Or what if he flipped Scott off the bed? Or…any other horrible thing that could happen in a hospital. What if Luis killed him…? No. He refused to think of that. Scott was fine. Luis must have gotten mugged and beaten unconscious on his way back. He’ll be back with two black eyes and a bloody lip soon enough. To Peter’s dismay, Luis did return.

            It was around 9:30 in the morning when the door of Peter’s room clicked and creaked then clicked again. It woke Peter and irritated him at the same time. “Oh, sorry. Hey man what’s up?” Luis asked as he entered, smiling.

“I was sleeping you asshole, what the hell were you doing out all night?”

“I was with your brother.” Peter’s eyes grew wide and his jaw fell open. Luis saw his reaction and replaced his own with a look of pure disgust. “Oh, man, that’s gross I wasn’t talking about that.” He shuddered and then laughed at his joke as he patted Peter on the back and slipped his jacket off. Peter’s expression did not settle. “Dude, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“What the hell? What did you do to him!?” He was furious. He hated thinking that his first impressions of what had happened with Scott were true. He could just imagine the searing pain and the deafening scream Scott let out as his I.V. was ripped from his hand. Or the blood curdling yelps as he attempted to hobble back onto his bed once Luis had forcefully shoved him off. He pushed the thoughts away and turned his attention to Luis, a mountain lion ready to pounce. Luis was very still and he looked as though he was about to explain so Peter decided to give him a minute before he ripped his head off, so that at least Peter could know the way his brother was brutally abused and murdered. Luis’ mouth hung open and the words were slurring out.

“Peter, calm the fuck down you look like a wild animal. I was at the hospital with Scott yes , but I didn’t hurt him okay. He is fine I promise. We are actually friends now. We hung out last night and talked we were getting to know each other a little better you know? Nothing happened and I promise I didn’t kill your brother. He should be coming home either today or tomorrow. They still haven’t put on the casts, he was to tender.” Peter’s look softened a little bit but not much as he was thinking it might.

“It is still your fault he’s in there in the first place. You asshole you almost killed my brother and don’t even try to say it was an accident. I know you better than that.” Luis broke the stare they were holding and looked at the ground. “That’s what I thought.” Peter turned and left the room abruptly slamming the door.

               Luis simply shrugged it off and went to take a shower. The water was boiling as it had rained on his walk home. He stripped off his clothes from the day before and stepped into the shower. The pounding bullets of hot water beat his back and tension began to pool up at the drain and disappear. He smiled as he washed his hair and thought to himself that he was doing a really good job of being better. He was now friends with Scott and he was working on it with Matt and Jacob. The toughest one he thought would either be Alex or Peter. He had been an asshole to Alex since the beginning because of his age and because, he had parents at least, yet he constantly complained about how much he wished he would be in an orphanage and away from his parents because he hated them that much. Luis was envious, he wished he had parents at all, if he had then maybe he wouldn’t be here right now. He might be a nice and cool kid still living in sunny California with a bunch of friends and killer grades and parties on the weekends. He pushed those thought away as he rinsed his hair out. He didn’t want to think of that when he knew it would never happen. His parents hadn’t died or been hurt or anything, they simply didn’t want him anymore. They took their baby boy and put him on a doorstep to a place he had never known. Somewhere he had never been. Then they left. He doesn’t even know their names. The water turned to off and Luis was resentful to get out but he grabbed his towel and shook out his hair. He sighed as he dressed and then he left the room to go to another session with Allison.

            “Okay everybody, Scott should be back soon and I thought it would be nice if we threw him a little welcome home party. Wouldn’t that be fun?” Allison was very enthusiastic, Jake reported to himself. He was kind of excited about a party too, finally some decent food. He was excited for potato chips and doughnuts. People were murmuring and chatting excitedly about balloons and food and movies and stuff. Allison called everyone to order and it made Jake realize that Peter was absent, and Jake began to worry. Peter never missed anything here because he wanted out and he let everybody know it. He and Peter were pretty good friends and curiosity got the better of him. Maybe Peter was just late because sessions were starting earlier these days. Maybe he was in the restroom or something. He would get here soon enough…

            After a couple of hours of sitting in solitude in the library Peter figured he should rejoin himself with humanity so he lifted himself from the corner he was sitting in, he returned the book he was reading to the shelf, and he exited the doors waving at the librarian as he passed. She smiled and nodded her head. Peter walked down to his room and the door was open. This was a surprise because he had closed the door this morning and Luis was not in the room now. He worried that something might be wrong. He stepped in and found his brother sprawled across his bed with a wheelchair in the space between the bed and the nightstand. He rushed to his brothers side and began crying. “Scott, you’re back.” He breathed.

“Yeah dude, I’m right here. Where the hell have you been?”

“Library.”

“I guess I should have known that.” Scott laughed and it surprised Peter that his laugh was so strong. He thought Scott would be feeble and weak after all he just went through.

“How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?” Scott sat up and smacked Peter in the back of the head.

“I’m fine. Why the hell do you smell like marijuana? Why is there a lighter on your bedside table?” Scott scolded Peter with his eyes and Peter tried to come up with an answer.

“I know you hate me now Scott. I’m sorry. You broke one of your promises so I broke one of mine. It seemed fair to me at the time, besides I liked the buzz of the marijuana better than inhalants. It last longer.” Scott was looking down, crying.

“I already lost Amile man. I can’t lose you too. I just can’t handle that sort of pain. Not in one year man. It’s only been a few months since she left me. She can’t come back man. I came back, like I promised I would.” He emphasized the word promised. “I am here just like she can’t be. Just because I got hurt and had to leave you here alone, yet with dozens of other people, doesn’t mean you can go off trying to commit suicide. I do consider this an attempt because it can kill you and you did it anyways. Peter what the hell is going on in your head? Why do you want to hurt me? What did I do so wrong man? What did I do?” His crying became louder and his breathing heavier until it was impossible for talking anymore. Peter looked at him with sad eyes and just sat with him apologizing over and over. Scott knew that he wasn’t only apologizing for the smoking, but for everything else that had happened to him as well.

            Matt was sitting in the rec room planning things for the party, when Alex walked in. He looked sort of upset so Matt figured he’d go over and see what was up. “Hey dude, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking.”

“About what man?”

“Life.” He shrugged it off and sat down with his hands in his jacket pockets. “I just want to go home you know?”

“Yeah I get it Alex,” Matt put his arm in his own pockets and sat down next Alex almost mockingly. “I want out too.”

“I just wish there was some way we could get out without months of ‘rehabilitation’ he mimicked Allison’s peppy cheerleader voice. They both laughed for a moment then Alex became very serious.

“What if there was man?” His face lit up and Matt swore he saw the light bulb pop out of Alex’s head.

“What you talkin’?” Matt asked pretending to be ghetto. Alex laughed with true enthusiasm.

“Come on, we need to find peter.”     

            Luis sat in the library doing research on the computer. He was looking up way to escape prison. He figured a prison was the closest thing to a rehab facility so it would work. He sat in solemn silence as he worked. The only sound was the buzzing of the computer as he pushed it full speed ahead so he could go talk to Peter about his plans and ideas. He finished writing his ideas and immediately began sprinting down the hall to find Peter.

            On the way down to Peter’s room the three boys met up with each other and Jacob even happened to be walking down the hall too so they told him of their plans and he was more than ecstatic to join them. They all raced to Peter’s room and slammed the door open finding Peter asleep on the floor and Scott lying in Peter’s bed with a runny nose and a red face. They screamed and hollered to wake up Peter and get Scott to pay attention. “Guys! We have an amazing plan to get out of this dump. Check it out.” They carefully laid out all of their information and ideas to get out of the facility and Peter looked at them with surprise.

“Wow. I am very impressed with you guys. I didn’t realize you were this intelligent. I thought that you were all stupid honestly. Alright well if we want this to work we need to get started. We leave tonight” He gestured to Luis to help Scott into his wheelchair and he began gathering pillows and sheets…

            They all gathered in the cafeteria for dinner after everything was set up and settled. They ate in silence their sandwiches and potato chips and then they excused themselves to bed. After saying goodnight to the receptionist and Allison they dispersed to their rooms with plans to meet and two a.m. to book it out. Luis and Peter went to their room, Scott and Matt to theirs, and Alex and Jacob to theirs. They all began to stuff their drawers with sheets and putting pillows in their beds for the people who patrolled at night to make sure everyone was in bed. They already had their bags packed and their windows remained open. There was a gate in the back of the building on the first story. The rooms were on the second story and the boys had to climb down the wall in Peter’s room and run behind the building to the gate. Then all they had to do was book it to somewhere far away.

The patrol must have come and gone around because by nine the next morning all six boys were on a bus to New Jersey. Destination: Diamond Beach. The boys figured that it had the smallest population and they would blend in well there. Not a lot of people to know them. Plus everyone that would be looking for them would think they would go to the most crowded place, somewhere that they wouldn’t be easily found. They all had money from their parents for anything they might have needed while they were away from home. Clothes and junk food and movies and such were best friends of teenage boys. Scott and Peter were on their own but they had plenty of money from their gigs. Pulling it all together between all six boys there was a total of 2,578 dollars. The tickets for all six cost two hundred. Now they had about two thousand dollars to get a place to live and jobs. Scott Jacob Peter and Matt were all willing to go out and find work to provide for the guys. Luis wasn’t so chipper about it and Alex was just too young to get a job. The train ride was long and the boys chattered with one another of the plans they had while they were away.

Jacob looked out the window and drifted off to sleep. He dreamt of Emily and when he woke he missed her even more. He thought about calling her when they got settled but he was afraid that she might be upset that they ran away and call them in. He smiled at the thought of it, just because he missed the sound of her voice. He would enjoy hearing her even if she was yelling at him. He missed her so much he felt like he was going to yell. All he could do now was sit back and wait for Halloween, his favorite holiday, in two days. He was Wiccan so Halloween wasn’t called Halloween. It was Samhain. He always used to celebrate with Emily and her family even though they were all very strongly Jewish. They made him feel welcome by accepting him for everything, including his religion. He hoped Samhain would cheer him up. He loved the thought of all of his dead ancestors being able to walk around again. He loved the costumes and the potions and the rituals and all of it. It was, for him, a miracle.

Alex liked Halloween too, it was one of his favorites because of all the sweets and candy. Matt went out and bought him a costume when they got off the bus. He graciously accepted the costume after nagging a little bit about how they needed the money for more important things. Matt insisted he take it, so he did. When they got to the hotel all the older boys went out to get something to eat. Alex said he was tired and wanted to just lie down. After they were all gone Alex began thinking about everything. These boys took him in. Luis didn’t like him to much but then, no one had in the beginning. They all thought of him as a whiny little baby. These guys were his best friends now, his family in a way. They fed him and clothed him and housed him. He didn’t have money…but he got food. Matt was the best to him. Sort of a role model. Sort of like a father. He liked it here, he knew Matt would take good care of him…he was starting to feel almost…happy. Who cares what tomorrow brought? He was living a good life right now.

Luis was out at dinner with the other guys. “Thank God Alex stayed back right? That kid gets on my nerves.” He stated toward Scott. He shrugged it off. “I mean, what a baby right? All he does is whine like a little bitch. Fucking retard. Can he even read?”

“Shut the fuck up man.” He replied. “Alex is like a brother to us now. We are all like brothers whether you fucking like it or not. It’s not really up to you. If you don’t like it get the hell out.” Luis’ face said exactly what he was thinking and Scott could tell. He was shocked that Scott actually enjoyed the company of the 13 year old crybaby. He was also shocked that Scott would get at him like that. Why did everyone defend that little fuck? They should hate him. He was only bringing everybody down. He wasn’t going to be bringing in money to help pay for the apartment or the food. He would sure as hell live there and eat though. He was such an irritating bastard. Luis shut up and just walked with everyone else to the pizza place on the corner. He just kept thinking about how much he hated everyone else here and he seriously did start considering leaving and just ditching them to go and hang with some random druggies for the rest of his life. He chose against it but thinking about it gave him an idea...Now that he was out he didn’t have to give up drugs. He thought about it for a while but he really did want to get off of the drugs. He shrugged it off when the pizza arrived. He started shoveling it in and gave up on leaving.

            Scott was furious with Luis after what he had just said about Alex. Alex was like a little brother to all of them. He was like a little puppy. He couldn’t take care of himself or defend himself. He was a fucking child for Christ’s sake. Scott felt compelled to defend him and help him and treat him like the little brother he was to Scott. Alex was actually a cool kid. He was into the same movies as Scott and the same music, and they liked the same clothes and they both wanted to live in the same place when they were old enough. They were pretty good friends and Scott liked it that way. Scott would do anything to protect him from sickos and jerks like Luis. Although there was no blood relation…brothers are brothers at heart. Luis would figure that out sometime Scott hoped.

            Matt shoveled pizza into his mouth as though it were his last meal. Five pieces and one large soft drink later they all started back to the hotel. Matt was talking to Jacob about Emily. More, Jacob was venting about Emily to Matt. Matt was a great listener about anything Jacob or anybody needed to talk about. Jacob was really feeling low about Emily. Matt walked in silence and merely listened to everything Jacob had to say. About Emily and living with her family and her always knowing they were meant for each other. Jacob talked of the disappointment and fear that showed through Emily’s eyes when she found out about his addiction. He told Matt about the time they kissed and how he felt something but thought it was that they were too much like brother and sister. That was the relationship base they needed to be in love, which they were. Matt began to feel sorry for the poor kid. Jacob was someone who Matt had a tough time relating to…they were so different. Matt hadn’t realized that Jacob really did have feelings, and they were deep ones.

            Peter finished his pizza and while he was walking back with the other guys he really connected on a different level with Luis. One level where all Peter wanted to do was punch him in the gut. He was one of the most, THE most frustrating son-of-a-bitch Peter had ever been around. Who were this guys parents!? What the hell bit him in the ass that made him such a jerk? Peter was having a tough time understanding Luis at first, know he understand that Luis was a pain in the ass to have around. Peter was really starting to loathe him. Peter didn’t ever hate anybody but Luis just got under his skin in a different way than anyone had before. There was something in Luis’ blood that was bad, and Peter didn’t like it at all.

            Alex waited in the hotel room and watched a show on the television that he didn’t know. He was really bored with it. He had never been a fan of Spanish or of soap operas, this was both at the same time. So he turned it off and put it on the music channel. Some weird country song came on, it was catchy so he left it. He sat on the bed and waited for the guys to come back. He was starved.

            They walked in the door a few minutes later and gave Alex some left over pizza. Two pieces, Alex thought, I could eat six right now. He graciously ate it and the other guys hung around and talked. Scott talked to Luis about how obnoxious he was and they barked at each other for a while. Matt, Jacob and Peter got into a heated discussion about religion and Jesus Christ. Peter ended up winning, he was a good debater, and Matt and Jacob admitted that giving your life to Christ saved you from damnation. At around twelve thirty that night they all got into their pajamas and went to sleep. None of them were looking forward to the next day and what it would bring.

            The sun poured in from the window in a bright orange and yellow. Matt, Jacob, Luis, Peter, and Scott were going out looking for jobs today. None of them really had any professional clothing so they were going with plain old jeans and t shirts and going with the poor abandoned orphan story. All four of them were applying for jobs at fast food restaurants. Scott was taking McDonalds, Peter, Burger King, Matt, Taco Bell, and Luis, Wendy’s. Start out small see if they cant work themselves up the ladder. “Okay,” Matt started off “everyone knows what we’re going to do? Remember don’t screw this up. We need jobs to stay here and if we have to go back to that place, we’ll be on double, no triple watch. So actually try to get the job alright?” Luis was looking off into the sky making pictures out of clouds and Matt noticed him and smacked him in the back of the head. Luis rubbed it gently. “Head in the game Luis. Come one.” With that and a head nod from Matt they all started off toward their various places of work.

            Alex sat in the room yet again. He felt totally useless. He wanted to help the guys work too. He wanted to be a part of it all. So he wandered down to the front desk with a plan in his head. “Hello little boy how can I help you?” A man behind the counter asked.

“Actually,” Alex started “it’s what I can do for you sir. My name is Alex. I’m here with my brothers and we are all very poor, our parents both died without wills. We pulled together all of the money we all had to stay here for a couple of nights. They all went out today to look for work but I’m only 13 so I couldn’t go with them. I was wondering if there were any odd jobs around the hotel I could do to help them get some money to pay for a place to stay and food to eat.”

“Young man,” The man began, “there is always something around the hotel for someone to do. Follow me.” He walked out from around the counter and Alex followed him into the kitchen. “I’m sure you know how to do dishes correct?” Alex nodded his head. “Alright how about this every time you unload the dishwasher I’ll give you five dollars, every time you load it I’ll give you ten. There are four dishwashers okay?” Alex again excitedly nodded his head. He loved the idea that he could help out his friends…brothers. He was thrilled to be of any assistance possible. He started immediately unloading two and loading all four. Well there’s fifty bucks. He thought that oughta help some.

            The boys came back all with jobs…well all but Luis. “They said I was too cocky, and to much of a jerk. What assholes.” Luis complained as he entered the room of guys. “Oh well who needs em anyways?”  Alex decided not to tell them about his hotel job, not for a while at least, until get got a good amount of money from it. Luis continued to mutter curse words to himself and Matt smacked him. “Shut the fuck up man.” He muttered.